some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
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He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
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Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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