Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
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It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
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The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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