I hate all girls vehemently.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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