im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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