Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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