why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Randomize