somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
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This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
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this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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