I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
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He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
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