no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize