Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize