R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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