I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
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This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
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i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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