Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
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We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
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Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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