my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
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They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
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So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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