She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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