My friends, they love my intelligence
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
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He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
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I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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