Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
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I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
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I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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