it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
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I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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