Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
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i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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