i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
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Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
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Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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