I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just googled if crying burns calories
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He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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