Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
