i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize