Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
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she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
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If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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