It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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