He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
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The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
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I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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