Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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