I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
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Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
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Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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