i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
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He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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