Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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