I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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