i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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