In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize