It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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