I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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