Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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