I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
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I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
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That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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