Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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