FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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