I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
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hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
They have beer where we have blood.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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