She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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