Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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