If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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