After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
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you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
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Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
whose parrot is this?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
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