he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
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The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
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I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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