I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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