The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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