Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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