seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize