I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
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there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
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It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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